You know the feeling people get when other don't keep their promises?
I'm feeling it right now. But not because someone broke a promise that was made to me; more like I broke a lot of promises in one day.
This sort of disappointment, anger, and in my case, extreme sadness. It's hard to know exactly how another person feels exactly when you haven't experienced the situation they're in yourself, but hey, I might as well share my thoughts, I guess.
For a while now, I've been keeping you updated (though the updates were scarce and both within my deviations and my journal entries) about how I was super excited to go see the Symphony of the Goddesses with my friends this coming saturday. It's also my friend's sister's birthday this thursday, and since I live far away from them (about a two hour drive from my place to theirs, if there's no traffic), they had invited me over to the party on thursday and offered that I stay the weekend, and I would go back sunday.
Turns out that somehow, I won't be able to attend the weekend. This has been planned since last March, too. I only have myself to blame for it, too. With a bit of luck I'll be able to go tomorrow, maybe.
I'm extremely pissed off at myself for being the lazy fuck I am in reality. I'm pissed because there are so many promises that I have broken in the last few months that I never wanted to break, and that I wanted to see happen. I had promised my best friend that I would be there at her prom this year. I had promised. Turns out that when she spoke to me about the day it was happening, I had already made plans to see the Symphony of the Goddesses with my friends from college. And what do you know! That might also be a promise that I'll have to break.
I just feel extremely horrible. Because I promised. I promised everyone that I would be there, and that I would do anything to be there with them all. But I'm really failing at this. I'm failing because I can't be trusted with these things, apparently. It makes me so sad to think that I had said this, and that in the end, well, I lied, in a way. I didn't know this was going to happen and I sure as hell know that they couldn't have known either.
I have to confide a little bit. I know this journal is open to the public, but I really feel the need to say something about this. I have these horrible fears. Sometimes they keep me up at night, and even though I know they're probably just delusions, but I've always been afraid of disappointing the people who mean the most to me. I've always been afraid that people would start hating me because sometimes I said things, I promised
something, and in the end well, I can't keep that promise.
And since we're in confessions, well, I might as well say everything that's on my mind. I've become more and more depressed these past few hours. The more the day of the Symphony approaches, the more I feel absolutely terrible. I act all happy and energetic, but on the inside, I just don't feel that way... It's hard to explain, but I believe that the feeling I'm experiencing is dread. I dread that day. Because it's the day my best friend is graduating, and I can't be there for her.
I know many people wouldn't think twice about this kind of thing; if you can't be there then you just can't be there, that's all. But it doesn't work like that for me. I feel horrible because I had promised her that I would be there. And it meant the world to me to be there when she would graduate. I somehow feel like a big sister to her. And honestly, she and a few other friends of mine are the best things that could have ever happened to me. But sometimes, to me, it feels like there's a giant rift that suddenly opened between us.
For starters, my best friend and I aren't in the same schools, and we won't be either next year. I've already passed one year in college, and she's graduating highschool. She's going to a different college than mine. Then, there are my two internet friends, the adorable Rarasmilekiller
and Whit (who isn't on deviantART so I can't tag their profiles here), who live across the ocean from me. There is a LITERAL rift between us, a distance that I can't cross without a plane or boat, and being completely broke doesn't help me close the gap that seperates us three.
These rifts I'm talking about open up when either one of my three friends feel sad, or angry, or just overall horrible. It opens up because I'm not the person people should come to when they are in need of comfort, because I have a particular talent for twisting words and saying things that can be interpreted differently than what I intended to say at first. I have no talent for finding the right words to brighten up their dark days or cheer them up when something is wrong. I'm the person who gives comfort through physical contacts, hugs, pats on the back. I can show my emotions better that way. And that makes me angry at myself, because that's about all I can do when someone needs cheering up. I'll admit that with my best friend, it's much easier since she lives much closer to me than the other two. But even then, since we can't really see each other anymore other than on vacation (and even then it's rare that we have time to spend with each other), it's hard for me to comfort her when she messages me via Facebook. And it's the same thing for my adorable Rara and lovely Whit. They live much too far away for me to be able to go see them in their times of need. The only things we can do are Skype and messaging each other. When one of them has problems, the other one's always typing in words that will help cheer them up. And me? I'm just there, watching the conversation. Because I never know what to type, what to say, what could cheer them up. And it's been just about two years and a half that I've known these two. I chime in from time to time with a 'yeah, do what she says' or a 'she's right on that point' or things like that, and sometimes I'm able to put in a piece of advice, though poorly worded since I have no talent for that.
Ever since middleschool, I've been the shoulder that many friends have cried on, the friend that hugged them and held them tight through their tears no matter what the troubles were. A lot of them told me secrets because I'm not the type to just go around telling everyone who'd want to hear about them. I was the friend who hugged everyone to cheer them up, who smiled and did stupid faces to make others laugh again and try to brighten their day. I've always been the person who tried just about everything to bring smiles to their faces, but I have never been able to comfort someone using only words.
Sometimes I hate myself for it.
I hate myself because most of my friends would need someone there with them, in reality. They would need a hug and to feel that there really is someone there for them, who loves and supports them. I know most people would like that. I would as well, especially right now. But I can't do that for anyone, because I'm stuck home with no job, no money an apprentice driving liscence, and parents who always seem to be frustrated when I ask if they can drive me to one of my friends' place, no matter how close to our house theirs' is. And then they tell me that I never do anything in the summer when there's no school.
Not my fault if my old driving school closed up unexpectedly and stopped all activities.
Not my fault if I apply for jobs, but no one ever calls back or picks me to work for them.
Not my fault if my friends live elsewhere and they can't really come over either.
Anyway. I realise I've written quite a lot today, I don't usually do that. I'm sorry for the long ass rant you guys. But I really, REALLY needed to get it out of my system. It really sucks to be so depressed. I'm already depressed about missing my friend's prom, so missing the Symphony? I'll be crushed tomorrow if my parents decide I truly can't go. I don't want to break another promise.